Fo Rizzle (How I Really Roll)

(Picture above:  View from the ferry of Peak’s Island, Maine)

There are more than a few reasons why I am so nice/not nice.  I sincerely care about people but recently realized I don’t like everyone I care about.  Is that possible?  Yes it is. I’ve always tried to be considerate and careful about other’s feelings.  Partially from how I was raised and partially because I am sensitive myself and try to treat people the way I want to be treated.  This does not mean I want people to blow smoke or tell lies.  Balance has always been a challenge for me as I tend to gravitate towards the extremes.  It’s frustrating to know me, at least it is for me.      

I’ve discovered I can care deeply for someone and not like them or want to be around them.  I thought that love your neighbor and turn the other cheek meant to be a doormat and just go ahead and hate yourself so you won’t put yourself first in any situation.  This is taking me a long time to unlearn but it seems to finally be sinking in.  Boundaries are a necessary part of life and I am so happy about my baby steps towards freedom.  It means there is hope for me after all.  “Just say no to being the vulnerable/victim type,” is my new mantra.  Now if it quacks like a duck, I “Run Forest, Run!”  No more ignoring red flags or doubting my intuition.  I are smart!  🙂

I’m accepting that everyone has their own journey and decisions to make.  I’m not responsible for people who choose to turn a deaf ear to wisdom and take the wrong path for themselves. Just as the people that have given me sound advice are not responsible for my bad decisions that resulted in hurt.  This is the first time in my life when I am accepting me (no easy task) and admitting my truth so I can change the things that are possible and ask God to help me with the rest.  Whatever is left over is baggage and I’m taking that crap to the dump and letting it go.  

I truly believe that since I was doing a horrible job of unlearning my codependent ways, God intervened by dropping people from my life at a rapid rate of speed.  Family, friends and people have been my crutch, my Band-Aid, a way to stay busy, busy, busy so I didn’t have to focus on my own issues.  

Being co-dependent for me means that I have had my identity wrapped up in the people I know.  If someone asks you a question about yourself that would involve explaining who you are as an individual/having your own identity that isn’t completely defined by the people you know, and you look like a deer in headlights, you might be a co-dependent (my hand is raised over here).  This is a day-to-day discovery and it is refreshing and terrifying at the same time.  Terrifying as it is, I don’t want to go back into that shell of a person who didn’t know who she was without the people around her.

I’m not all butterflies and rainbows in my thoughts 24/7.  Never intend on hurting people and still plan on using common courtesy but just don’t want to keep explaining to people that just because I don’t announce it to the masses in public or post it on Facebook doesn’t mean it’s not happening.  Life happens and my entire life doesn’t make it to social media or the 6 o’clock news (Thank the Lord).  YES, I care.  NO, I don’t like everybody. YES, I pray for them.  YES and NO, I’m nice.  

Fo Rizzle, That’s How I Roll.  

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