Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

I’ve been in Maine since October 2017. It has been quite the experience. Before I drove up here I decided to never give up and move away again.

When I lived here from 2012 to 2015 it was originally because I had no other choice.

Everyone that knew me up here would tell you that I complained about the snow, cold and differences between myself and the native Mainers.

Truth is, I am different than natives of any location. I’m just different. Not one person would argue this point.

While living in Maine I was able to let go of quite a bit of baggage but there was still an overload of it.

I had the mother’s intuition that my son needed me and I moved back to Florida to be near him.

I felt like a stronger person after my stay in Maine because I was stronger.

Less than a week in Florida and my life was in turmoil and full of drama. Many things happened including losing friendships back-to-back. Seemed as though when I came back from Maine and was stronger and much more assertive to stand up for myself, I wasn’t the type of friend they wanted.

Sometimes people are friends with you because you fill a void in their life or help them in some way. Or they enjoy your hardships because it makes them feel better about themselves and they think, “Wow, at least I’m not as bad off as Maura”. When no longer their puppet, pet or servant, they have no use for you and kick you in the gut, at least that’s how I felt about the entire experience.

My true goal is to only mention those experiences in a way that will help or encourage someone else going through similar circumstances.

Forgiveness is a done deal. Forgetting is not going to happen but has less power the less mentioned.

The last straw for me in Jacksonville was an injury, a friendship down the toilet and the result was me being homeless. After all that, my heart was broken when a lifetime friend told me that if I realized nobody cared about me I’d be much better off. Such a great lesson she taught me but the wound might never heal. So, I thank her for the lesson but not the pain.

After that fiasco, I moved to Central Florida with a family member (sibling). This family member is one of my favorite people. That isn’t really easy to say in most cases but this one was solid. Now in hindsight, as far as our relationship goes, I wish I would have never moved in with them. But as far as my progress in letting go, finding value and worth in myself and realizing I still had fight left to be a better me, I don’t regret one minute of it. It was rough. It didn’t end well. I still love them. They don’t love me. That isn’t something I have control of so I have to let it go. God knows. Prayers are going up for the situation. In the meantime, there is so much work to be done and undone.

People have a tendency to push their feelings or needs to the forefront and have you believe that you are responsible for every aspect of their life but it is never the other way around. So, all the changing and letting go of baggage I was able to accomplish while in Florida, some things were still left undone. No fault of my own. You can talk and write and cry and beg. If the other person decides that they are never wrong but always the victim they will refuse any resolutions you offer. I’m responsible for ……..

All that being said, Maine is the best thing that has happened to me. Not saying that everything is perfect. Lord knows I have so much to do to get grounded again.

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The writing above this line was written months ago.

So the progress I’ve made since then is…. Unemployed, staying with friends for 6 months so far, minimal to non-existent social life, and the most humbled I’ve managed to be in this half century of my life.

Today, I have zero answers, very little pep talk to give myself and officially ready to give up on figuring it all out.

My willingness to let go mostly involves admitting that I’m clueless. This is progress? I’d say yes but I’m too tired to commit my answer either way.

Today I know that I don’t know.

1 Comment

  1. It’s hard leaving the well worn path. It becomes like a dead zone and in a way it very much is. Head toward the sparks or flashes you see out of the corners of your eyes. New networks take time to form.

    Liked by 1 person

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