M.I.A. (missing in agony)

I’ve been on an unintentional break from the blogging world.

Had a new job. Struggled for 5 weeks to make myself mold into a perfect fit. Not going to happen. That is where the lesson seems to take me these days. To be the “real” me.

If I wrote down every job I’ve had since the age of 14, it would need a 3-ring binder to hold it all. Slight exaggeration but you get the picture.

I’ve always thought of myself as a person with an excellent work ethic. Rarely ever a break in employment as I would land a job as soon as I lost or quit the one before.

Now I’m realizing this motivation was fueled by fear and impatience. Whatever works, right? (Pun-intended).

Fear;

Fear of having to depend on anyone else.

Fear of being a burden.

Fear of failure.

Fear of being perceived as lazy.

Fear of being perceived as entitled and ungrateful.

Fear of being homeless.

Fear of being poor.

Fear of rejection.

Impatience;

It’s self-explanatory and one of my biggest issues, but there are plenty more where that came from.

About a week before I lost my job I heard myself telling someone, a job defines me as a person. If I don’t have a job, I’m sub-human. My identity is wrapped up in having a job. Life is a job. That is what I was saying out loud.

Is that true for everyone? If not, how do I change those thoughts? Could that be the reason I keep losing jobs? Or could it be because I’m not being a true representative of myself. I’m just doing a job. No passion or interest in what I’m doing. Just earning a paycheck.

Maybe it’s time for me to be intentional. Maybe I don’t get the grand prize until I get the lesson.

This all sounds lovely in theory but the bills are piling.

Boom!

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